Genesis

in the beginning, there was the word.  and the word was,  "word."  the second was, "abide."

Loud Howards

we all have them in our lives.  they are everywhere.  each and every one of you is more acquainted with at least one Loud Howard than you'd like to be.  they are just loud, loud people because they have nothing to say.

the Scruffledumps next door are just such people.  they're outside right now so that's why i bring up the issue.  so let me outline these creatures to you:

they come in both male and female packaging.  more often than not, their voices typically have a positive correlation between how annoying the voice is, and how loud it is.  they are commonly found in movie theaters, family restaurants, office meetings normal people generally don't go to and enjoy, HOA meetings, and from what i understand, PTA meetings.  another common place for these obnoxious specimens are lines.  especially long lines. they're going to try and make friends with everyone in it, but mostly you.  they're people you don't want to share space, let alone a one-sided, or god forbid two-sided (people will think you really know this person!) conversation with.

but what i've never understood is why it's inappropriate to tell these people to shut it...

Harry Potter

For those of you that may have missed it, like me (hey, I saw all but the last one or two), let me sum up the series for you anway:

"An evil wizard killed me mum and dad.  I will avenge them...eventually."--Harry Potter

Running from the Police

(This story is not true but this is how I imagine the scenario would go if it ever happened.)

I wasn't running from the police.  I was running for freedom.  Here is a transcript from my hearing:


Judge:  Why were you running for freedom?
Me:  So my blog wouldn't make a liar out of me.

The God Mongers

So the other day I left the gym to find some crap on my window, as happens from time to time.  But this time I had to stop and take notice.  It was a card telling me about Jesus:



wow, this god sounds like a pretty cool dude.  where do i sign up?

I think it should be obvious why I had to stop and take notice.  But if it's not, I find this kind of thing disgusting.  I was so disgusted I actually took the time and resources to respond:

I always say I'm going to do these things, half out of frustration, half for amusement, but I never do.  But I did this time:



apparently i don't know the meaning of subtlety

Now Splat Hair Dye is going to hear from me over their 1-ply gloves...which aren't gloves. They're just pieces of plastic in the shape of hands. I will be sending in one glove with the letter and keeping the other for my records.

"Dilatory Me"--Coming to Theaters NEVER

If they made a movie about me, this would be the title.  The entire movie would consist of me putting off the plot.

It's kind of like that movie "Despicable Me"...I never saw that movie but I got the gist.  A despicable guy does villainy stuff.  So in my movie I won't do anything.  It'll just be 2 hours of me sitting there and that's it.  It'll be the best movie ever.  Everyone will agree, but probably still hate it...unless they happen to be a film student or work for Entertainment Weekly and go by the name Lisa Schwarzbaum and like dumb shit.  In that case, they will love it.

In fact, Lisa Schwarzbaum calls me at LEAST once a week to let me know she has a dream, and that dream is this movie, and that she will never give up.  She assures me that her and her team of hopelessly devoted film students are working tirelessly to secure funding for this pet project by writing up negative reviews of all things entertaining in an effort to steer financial backers in the right direction...or in this case, the left.

Last time she called she wanted to talk about character development and motivation.  She said my character should not develop and shouldn't have any motivations.  I told her that in real life I often find a full bladder motivation to go to the bathroom.  So Lisa (my bff, we call each other by our first names) says to me, "Amanda, you're ruining my movie."  Then she fired me...

Attention Span

(no text entered)

Joe from Tech Support OR Unhelpful Jackass I Wasted Time Writing To

(coming at you David Thorne style)

To:  Joe@techsupport
From:  Amanda

Dear Joe,

Recently my computer crashed saying it could not detect a hard drive.  I have since bought a new computer and was wondering if there is any way of recovering the files from the old one and moving them to my new computer.  I know there must be some way to do this because on that show "Criminal Minds" they can restore files even after a hard drive has been wiped and flushed down a toilet.

Sincerely Yours,
Amanda


From:  Joe
To:  Amanda

you should have backed them up


To:  Joe Shmoe
From:  Amanda

I would like to thank you for taking the time to respond to my question.  Your advice was invaluable.  Now that I am versed in responsible record keeping, I will be filing this correspondence with you under "J" for "Jackass"...not "Joe."  In accordance with the term you kindly outlined above, I'll be sure to back this file up.

With Love and GrAttitude,
Amanda