"Dilatory Me"--Coming to Theaters NEVER

If they made a movie about me, this would be the title.  The entire movie would consist of me putting off the plot.

It's kind of like that movie "Despicable Me"...I never saw that movie but I got the gist.  A despicable guy does villainy stuff.  So in my movie I won't do anything.  It'll just be 2 hours of me sitting there and that's it.  It'll be the best movie ever.  Everyone will agree, but probably still hate it...unless they happen to be a film student or work for Entertainment Weekly and go by the name Lisa Schwarzbaum and like dumb shit.  In that case, they will love it.

In fact, Lisa Schwarzbaum calls me at LEAST once a week to let me know she has a dream, and that dream is this movie, and that she will never give up.  She assures me that her and her team of hopelessly devoted film students are working tirelessly to secure funding for this pet project by writing up negative reviews of all things entertaining in an effort to steer financial backers in the right direction...or in this case, the left.

Last time she called she wanted to talk about character development and motivation.  She said my character should not develop and shouldn't have any motivations.  I told her that in real life I often find a full bladder motivation to go to the bathroom.  So Lisa (my bff, we call each other by our first names) says to me, "Amanda, you're ruining my movie."  Then she fired me...

Attention Span

(no text entered)

Joe from Tech Support OR Unhelpful Jackass I Wasted Time Writing To

(coming at you David Thorne style)

To:  Joe@techsupport
From:  Amanda

Dear Joe,

Recently my computer crashed saying it could not detect a hard drive.  I have since bought a new computer and was wondering if there is any way of recovering the files from the old one and moving them to my new computer.  I know there must be some way to do this because on that show "Criminal Minds" they can restore files even after a hard drive has been wiped and flushed down a toilet.

Sincerely Yours,
Amanda


From:  Joe
To:  Amanda

you should have backed them up


To:  Joe Shmoe
From:  Amanda

I would like to thank you for taking the time to respond to my question.  Your advice was invaluable.  Now that I am versed in responsible record keeping, I will be filing this correspondence with you under "J" for "Jackass"...not "Joe."  In accordance with the term you kindly outlined above, I'll be sure to back this file up.

With Love and GrAttitude,
Amanda